Learning To Learn To Let Go

It was devastating to know that you’ll loss your utmost angel, who had protected you with all her life, sharing her every breath in the spirit of care and share and who had struggled between life and death, pain and joy to gamble for a little pride of joy.

It was a sad experience. For the bundles of joy to learn that their angel had already coming to the end of her journey in life. Sighting her at the verge of the cliff and to decide to let her moved forward or the pull her back. Given the little time to decide between letting her move on or hold her back to where she should belong.

In brought upon a sudden sense, if this happen to me. What can the decision be? I am thinking of a figure, so familiar, so fine, so dear and so close to my heart and soul. He has been that part of me. The part of my life for which I always say with a threat, “Take him away from me and see that half of my sanity will be gone.”

I am not his favourite girl nor apple of his eyes. But I definitely hold a special position somewhere in his heart. For who always clean up the mess in that room which looks like it has been rippled by a thousand twisters, who would have bother to wait up when I am not home passing the time I should have always be? Who would be the one who has nagged time and again at the mountain of folded laundry waiting to be hanged or kept away in the even huge mountain waiting behind the door of the petite wardrobe? Who would be patiently arranged those scattered pieces of papers and loads of books around the house? Who would have shared the comments about people, animals and the world while thinking hard to respond to the cynical thoughts and remarks in the most groomed intelligence limit by his level in the education?

He’s SPECIAL without any exception. He holds that special figures in my eyes, both the masculine and feminine. We have had occasional fights and that even occasional misunderstanding. But then, we could always come to some egoistic consensus and we make up over that meals or the sudden idea of a journey somewhere.

Thinking about his well-being for the past decade, always put me in fear that I might have to some to the same situation which I had just witness. His health is slowly failing, holding on only to the prescriptions and the constant monitoring. He’s no longer that suave, young figure who filled my first memory. He’s balding, that I can see. He’s accumulating wrinkles and that too I can see. But I can still see that same smile and that shining shade in his eyes, when I was about two and he greeted me with that same smile and that same shine and picked me up from the cot into his safe arms and I can still feel that warmth.

I remember as a young child, I will be woken up from my peaceful slumber into his arms and to the bath. Facing the window and the stillness of the morning, I would say I miss him. Asked him where he was before I was put to bed. Did he miss me? Did he know that I had been good or bad the day before? Did he know why the days are always bright and the nights are always dark? Did he know why the water was cold and why God did not create some magic, like allowing the water temperature naturally according to my needs? Did he know that I was thinking about him on some particular instances and hope he appeared at the door suddenly?

I remembered him putting the powder over my petite body while I still mumbled asking why I need to be woken so early each morning and why I need to have that cold morning shower. I remembered the plate of two finely, prepared half boiled eggs and a cup of hot malt or chocolate drink. No thank you. Just eating it slowly and waiting for him to be ready for work in during that early mornings. When he was ready, I stood my the door and waved him goodbye and the same reminder each day, “Please don’t work overtime!”.

The memory had passed and I am getting much older now. Almost married, hopefully. But that other man holds less special place in my heart. He’s my unforgettable and the reason I live. I had almost gone half insane with longing in my heart when he way away doing the pilgrimage. I cried over the phone wanting him to be home. Hugged his pillow and the shirt he last worn before that journey and counting the days to his return.

If I should learn to let my angel go, should I learn to let him go? When I know until this extent, it’s still hard to let go.


I am,

Tyro

Our Foes Are Not Exactly Our Enemies .....

Quote from Marina Mahathir,

“The weirdest of all is that, more often than not, the biggest threat comes from their own people and people they think of as friends.”

Friends can be the greatest foes. It’s heartbreaking to think that without even having to tighten one’s fist or challenge one’s muscle against the others, friends are capable foes in our lives. It’s surprising to learn that without spoken words or fistful gestures, friends can chase away the halos in friendships.

Hence who are truly friends? Real friends are actually our enemies. People who hurt us, people who teach us the lessons we ought to learn in life through the hardest ways, people who seem to love us less than others do, people who critic us for who we are and what we are, people who isolate us just because we are adamant to stand on our grounds, people who push our patience to the limits, people who sneer and jeer at us for our mistakes or victories and people who we always think are against us.

They are our friends, really they are because through them, we learnt the values of life, we learnt to stay sane when our minds are almost shot away from erupting, we learnt to think with our brains than with our hearts in the heat of defending our rights, we learnt to be mature beyond our inner adolescent thinking and give off mature reactions, we learnt to wake up the sleeping intellectual giants within ourselves so we can think logically, we learnt to Armour ourselves against their unjust speculations with miracle hard works to prove them wrong by letting time be our defences, we learnt to become the best self-believers and strive to attain the goals and targets that they think are not made for us to achieve, we learnt to accept our weaknesses and admit that we are not perfect and refine ourselves so that we have better personalities, we learnt to be self-reliance because we are made to realize that we need to take ownership of our lives and we learnt that isolation means time for us to weigh the possibilities, causes and reasons of our doings and decide if reformation are much needed.

Just some word to share,

“In life, God doesn’t give you the people you want,
instead He gives you the people you need.

To teach you,
To hurt you,
To love you
and
To make you exactly the way you should be.”


I am,

Tyro

For My Thoughts Are Not Your Thoughts .......

“For My Thoughts Are Not Your Thoughts,
Neither Are Your Ways,
My Ways.”

Old Testament


We are created by God, whether yours or mine, that doesn’t really matter. But as humans, we share the same universal values and one of them is honesty.

Admit that honesty is the best policy in life? Admit that we need honesty to assure ourselves that at least there are some missing pieces of innocence still lies within us? Admit that honesty is part of one personal well-being and to lose that at times, makes us feel totally less comfortable and wronged? Admit that any kind of bonding be it, personal or mutual, should not outbound the meaning of honesty?

But in reality, one will have come to realize that often in this human rat-race, honesty will comes in the later part of the race. Honesty is an exception when it comes to mutual bonding. Honesty is left unprotected by the sly hearts. Is one right to say that these are the practice of the human devils that advocate this unjust hell of the world?

One would be smirking a sarcasm smile while the other will be wondering why, defending honesty, as the best policy is not easy. One will not adapt to the flow, because one’s nurturing heart is less sly than the other. People may say, this world is a rat-race play your game, lay your cards well and be smart one at concealing the truth and go with the flow and put whatever at stake if you could even the honest truth.

When one is a true believer in self-reliance, what is so difficult about being honest, after all honesty is should be the first chapter in anyone’s book of wisdom. Others may say one is innocent to think so, well oh well, when after walking this path of 26 years, one sometimes feel discourage to experience and encounter, how few are taken in by honesty and how many are prefer to be deceit from it.


“For My Thoughts Are Not Your Thoughts,
Neither Are Your Ways,My Ways.”

Old Testament

I am,

Tyro

MAJESTIC BONDING

Being outcast of a bonding was definitely a legitimate subject to constant exposures of criticisms, sneering, name-callings and fault finding. When one is on the outs with the Majestic Bonders, one will be in for some real bad times.

Majestic Bonders seem to have the knacks for doing out stiff penalties. The Majestic Bonders are extraordinarily gifted at making alienation seems like a life imprisonment! When one becomes upset with one of the Majestic Bonders, one can expect the rest of the runt defending their fellow Bonder’s action, because the person that one is at odds with is one of the Majestic Bonders. And along with this, the Majestic Bonders are also good at supporting terrible and embarrassing reputation-ruining lies and criticisms circulated by their fellow Bonders!

Majestic Bonders have penchants for teasing and name-calling the outcast. Being subjected to any one of their egos could be brutal, if not vital. One can expect them to dish back worse than what was offered.

Amongst themselves, they simply could not gamble with losing their fellow Bonders’ approvals. Even when some felt, the retribution act was wrong to be obeyed, they can’t help but allowing themselves to be coerced into the subversive activities.

While honest men are the noblest work of God, only when rouges fall out, honest men get into their own. Till then, whether one is an honest man or a thief, depends on whose solicitors have given one’s brief.


I am,

Tyro

Esprit Dis Corp

Caught this somewhere resourceful,

“If I am given EIGHT HOURS to cut down a tree,
I’ll spend SIX HOURS sharpening my axe.”

Cynical isn’t it, when there’s a task where race against time is the theme, and one chance upon something like this.

And this made one sat down and reflected upon what had happened during the period of the task. The troubles when some just don’t understand the concept of teamwork, datelines, personal and shared responsibilities and carrying individual pride and merged them into a beautiful group’s joy.

Ironically, some who refused to lend that balance hands are heads better than those who slogged to see the project ends. They are those flutters and who also know which branches to land on so to ensure that they can predict the cushion of their falls.

It’s human. Very much human, if could, one would have taken the loud hailer or graphitised one’s frustration to the winds and the walls so that people know who they are and are being cautioned about them as liabilities to the team.

Hampered by the dampness of the feelings, one will feel even damper when the judge to this all jives are allied to these some. Call it bonding or call it blind man playing the blind’s man folding, and the ones who are leading are the ones who bring him about the camouflaged danger signs.

So one learnt, age, status, level, education, spiky words of sarcasms and a ‘eat more salt’ life experience does not make one the best judge after all. Well, especially when one uses more emotional bonding than rational bonding.

A silent kettle will not whistle but sure it does gives off the steam!


I am,

Tyro

Bridges Over Bridges

This is a cliché,

“Not all love ended up in happy endings or union of two souls.”

The Bridges Over Madison County, tells all about it. Why Francesca Johnson did not leave her family upside down to be just with her love of a lifetime, Robert Kincaid though she knew she was living at a point of life where expectations were behind her?

She had her suitcase packed and Robert waited for her to fulfil her lost and shattered dream, move her away from the still and mundane life which Bob had brought her into, all the way from Italy. She had one thing in her mind, the perceptions of her teenage children and husband about her if she decided to move away from their home.

Watching this story reminds one of the facts that we are indeed fragile to most decisions in life we make. One will be reminded that we constantly had dreams and desires to fulfil but sometimes, circumstances just do not allow or permit us to do so. If we could, we would have followed our hearts the way they want us to, but responsibilities and commitments, be them personal or otherwise, hold us back from the possible steps and the dreams we hope to have met.

‘I wish I could,
Chase after the rainbow,
Lick all the morning dews,
Shoot the moon
And gather the stars,
But I am only here,
Far from where they are,
Not lack of the bravery,
But I need to weigh all possibilities logically.’


I am,

Tyro

When Some Words Are Left Unsaid

They say,

“Silence Is Golden”

Can silence really bring in a pot of gold from the end of the rainbow? Sometimes one just wishes to be that person who can throw cautions to the winds and sent the feelings throbbing.

But some things just need to be contained. Keep in the deepest end of the heart with hopes that, if it’s a disturbing fact, it can be over with some logical self-pacify.

Affair of the heart happens because some things just need to be confided within oneself. Ever hope that thoughts and feelings can be read from the naked eyes, without having to persuade the tongue to do the job, just in case, it does the glib again.

Situations can be fought against, but some hard true facts in life are harder to be told to others. Especially when it touches the emotions in a relationship, the people surrounding it and especially, when the involvement of the causes and effects are too heavy on oneself. Just having the fingers rubbing the chin, thinking if it should be remained unsaid or be ignorant, pretending as though it has never been spoken of.

It will for the moment left to the wind, kissing the passing time and romance the yearning heart. Wish that one can skip through this time to a more mature age, where words said are better said and best accepted.

I am,

Tyro

Are We, What We Are?

Also known widely as the Fire Bird, the phoenix is a profound symbol of life and rebirth. It has a life cycle of 500 to 600 years and after that amount of time, it sets itself on fire and dies in the flames. Then, after three days, it rises again from the ashes. It is a completely benign creature who lives in dew. It is said that the phoenix has a beautiful melodious song which grows ever more mournful as its life comes to an end. It is also a symbol of the sun and immortality.

What mythical beast best represents you?

Take the quiz!

I am, Tyro

Ego in Aspiration

“ Those who have the aspiration to rule life,
Easily feel intermediate with those who have the natural credentials to succeed without having to kneel to their rules. ”


What have natural potential got to do with the forming up of human characteristics? Perhaps, what had happened these few days had been omen those observations, reflections and the need to questions human behavioral have to be paid more attention on and then learnt to adapt to these human life systems, so that one will be more well-prepared for whatever that will cross one’s path in life.

Well, these things sometimes trivial, sometimes hurting, sometimes disgusting, sometimes amazing, sometimes interesting, sometimes intriguing and sometimes leaving one wondering what message those people are trying to instill in you.

But there’s one thing which made these people up. They are insecure of being who they are, what they are and where they are. They need to be upfront in the queue, imposing their existence and having metaphorical pictures in their minds about holding the lash and beat those who appear to be doing and going without having to comply with them. These people are potential catalyst in this hypocritical world. Pretending that they are open to conceptual ideas and the exploration of free minds but in the reality, they want to be the Marxist or the Socialist. They are sad stories of potential rule by egos.


I am,

Tyro

Rainbow Me

Fascinated by the rainbow, had always been the fantasy of the utmost child in me. Rainbows are beautiful. Not always there for me to see but never fail to appear after such a long, dreadful distant. The beautiful curves of colours as rainbows always appear to be, never fail to make me happy.

I saw two beautifully formed rainbows, once, when I was thirteen. It was a long drive along the East Coast of the Peninsular. They were such prides over a beautiful green meadow and lit up the grey sky. They were the best I have ever seen.

This is a story of my first rainbow. I was young, solely kept occupied by Grandma. One day, after the long day of scraping ices, selling juices, collecting empty bottles and cups and washing them up. It drizzled that late afternoon on our way back home at the ‘100 steps’. Me holding on to Grandma (like holding onto dear life), we saw my first amazing rainbow. Grandma said, not to point at it with my index finger for there lay a curse that my very tiny finger will be amputated the very morning I wake up. Grandma said, whenever rainbow appears, the seven princesses from the world less known by man come down to have their bath.

I believed, but as inquisitive as I have always been, I kept thinking and asking if there wasn’t really much water supply at the other world. Grandma kept silent for a while then she continued that in this world, there is one beautiful place where waterfalls gushed down from the mountain tops, the cool waters are surrounded with lush greeneries and the atmosphere is fill with misty vapour. That’s the special place the princesses bath at, each time they come to Earth.

I used to find solace during my childhood in the escapade of imaginary world of my own. I was then very distant from Grandma. Each time when it rains, I would peep through to see rainbow and hoped that it come to bring me a smile. Each time when I saw one, I prayed to God that the princesses will realize that I am truly fascinated by them, hoping that they will come to me and bring me back to where they are from. I don’t mind even if I have to be the girl fairy on the other land, ready at their beck and call. All I want is a place away from where I was. But sadly to say, they never did take me physically away. I live still with that hope in my wildest dream.

But I think, two years back, on my trip to New Zealand, I saw the place where Grandma said they always come to bath at. I guess it must be Milford Sound. That was a beautiful lush and cool waterfall. I thought I saw rainbows falling from the sky and dived it’s way through the waters. So I stayed longer there, even after I was left two weeks more to be on my own, I never see them – the princesses. This time, I only hope to tell them that I do not want them to take me away to the place where they stay (perhaps not now) because Grandma is getting old and frail, I’m on a government bond and life seems to be getting slightly better than it was before. Lastly, the most important thing, the Aunty Agony in me has grown up and is always there to guide me.


I am,

Tyro

Horror Stories?

Chance upon this word of wisdom,

“ It’s okay to make mistakes,
Everyone does anyway.
The more important thing is that
You must admit it, learn from it and
Stop repeating it. ”


There is a quote from the Koran, “The only cleanse existence from Allah’s creation are the angels.” Humans are way above them in term of status in the eyes of Allah. When Allah created Adam, the rest of His creations were commanded to prostrate to Adam, all except Satan obliged.

Satan refused, for one reason – he had been the most faithful angel. Satan had worshipped and loved Allah and had slaved his faith on Him. He feared that no mankind can do as much as what he did. The conflict abrupt to Satan turning his belief and faith in Allah, left heaven and made a vow to destroy the belief and faith of mankind and make them his companions in his place in hell upon the Armageddon.

Adam made mistake. Eve too. And that was the first move Satan made to prove his vow. But Adam repented and so did Eve. They were abolished from heaven and sent to Earth. Mankind reprocreate and developed to individual family and social institutions.

There have been words and remarks that Satan influences mankind. That is, in term of religion, I have to choose on agreeing. If that happens, it’s accidental error, mistakes made without prior knowledge on the implications.

It’s funny how sometimes some mortal souls blamed their wrong doings on Satan. Poor Satan, always in the dark gist of every mistakes Man had made.

Some men seem to derive solace by putting Satan, situations and for many, fate, under fire for the many mistakes they had made.

I walk the street of life for 26 years now. I am yet to see the one soul who is cleanse from ego. Yes, some passed by me, said, “Sorry!”, “Oooooppppps! It’s my mistake!” or “I know how you feel for what I have done to you and I am taking back my words!” but not many are as remorse as they were when apologizing. That’s why the saying doesn’t go,


“It’s okay to make a mistake,
everyone does anyway.
The more important thing is that
you must admit it, learn from it and
stop repeating it.”


Admit that I am one of the egoists too. Guilty as charged. I am, Tyro. Trying to learn from every one of them. Trying harder and harder each day. Just afraid that I may not have that much time to brush up on my maturity before age catches up with me. Just like some people did. Horror tales? Not really.



I am,

Tyro

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby, kiss me

Fill my heart with song
And let me sing forever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you


Fill my heart with song
Let me sing forever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, in other words
I love you

Love is but an illusion of the most pleasurable things in life. There are thoughts that once love has been possessed, the world will be the brightest and happiest place to live in.

It’s not the conveying of sceptical thoughts. Many have owed to love, happiness and sweet lives, but love too have much sorrows to bring about.

It’s funny how eluded the word love can be. Just like marriage, once you’re in it, you hope that you’re able to get out of it, but those who are out of it, hope so much to be in it.

Love must be shown, felt and showered on. It will be ridiculous when one can vow to stay faithful through bad times, illness and downturn of wealth when one can’t even feel the pain that is piercing through the heart of so called the other half. Well, if one arm is being pinched, I suppose the other side will feel the pain too.

It’s just my mere thoughts. Love is not only through saying and a heavy downpour of lovely words, promises, gifts and beautiful flowers. It’s more than just all those. Love means an everlasting emotional supports and guiding the one out of the trauma, not adding on to the excruciating pain.

I leave you with this. “ Think like a man. Use logic and consciences. Hurt not one and give happiness unjustly with your decision. Filial piety doesn’t mean a life long obligation. Let not the rotten potatoes run into the generations. A good leader leads and weighs the suggestions given by the followers, not implementing them because of grateful feelings or fear of the followers.”




I am,

Tyro

Leadership

When geese fly in formation,
they travel 70% faster than when they are alone.

Geese share leadership.

When the lead goose tires,
he (or she) rotates back into the “V”
and another flies forward to become the leader.

Geese keep company with the fallen.

When a sick or weak goose drops out of the flight formation,
At least one other goose joins to help or protect.

Dear Sweet Cake,

I sense your disappointment but this is reality. I know you are very dissapointed with the turn out of the event. It seems more illogicial isn’t it when power is pursue in the name of credit chase and those greedy hearts won the believe of others.

You said that it was unfair. I am seconding that. But has this world being totally fair before this? You like being in there, and I assume you would not even mind if that means that you are at the bottom of the hierachy and given the least say. I hope you are not keen to be there just because you do not like the feeling of being intermidated by those whom you think their weights are mighter than yours.

As I shared with you earlier. Some people are born blessed with the looks of a million paragon of sweetness to deceive others. Some are blessed with the qualities to lead. Some are born with the ability to hold the crowds with their hands. But the bottomline is, I want you to remember that God is FAIR. He gives every of his creations their personal abilities and identities. For instance, the cactus, deserted but not frail. The earthworm, hated but useful.

We live in a very small community and there are not many corners for us to run to. We have to work in a team. Support is important. Humans are not perfect even if they admit that they are detailed and perfectionists. People who are after credit chase are mostly those who lack of personal confidence. They need to be in the limelights because they feel that they are not capable to shine without that supporting lights.

You are special, although I must tell you honestly that you do not have the capability to hold a crowd or to make heads turn. You have been too busy envying and trying to mimic those cycnical few’s ideology and phylosophy. You are ignorant of your own abilities and this hinder you from progressing further than the level of thinking that you are in.

Read again the story. The star of the show isn’t the leading goose. It is actually those in the formation that have assisted, help and protect. Be one of those!


I am,

Tyro

Forth Words .....

Aspired by Marina Mahathir’s weekly column over at Malaysia’s, The Star, Tyro’s Musings was born on one boring and mundane afternoon in a Paragon of Death. It wailed its’ first, in the still mortuary midwived by the instincts and guts feel of ME, the aspire muser.

Tyro’s Musings because Tyro muses. Tyro is not the only God’s emotionally mixed creation that muses. Musings are defined in the Oxford’s Advance Learner as ‘1. In Greek or Romance myths) each of the nine goddess who protected and encouraged poetry, music, dancing, history and other branches of art and literature 2. A spirit that inspires creative artists 3. To think in a deep or concentrated way, ignoring what is happening around one 4. To say something to oneself in a thoughtful way’.

I like it all. It fits me, perfect. The tyro. Tyro means ‘A person who has little or no experience of something or is beginning to learn something.’ Tyro is my preference and has been in, out and around. Spread over many journals. Written in the languages I know best. Pieces of thoughts that are meant to be at its most abstract and methaphorical as possible. Let’s put it this way – it’s a journal which evolves around the paragon of inner voices within oneself, that eliminates the elements of the ‘5 Wives, 1 Husband’ theory. Well, to this extent, it has avoided much displeasure and that’s more alive!

Musings keeps mind alive, alert and amaze. Sharing of thoughts and ideas keep minds less cycnical in this sometimes chronic world. It’s my pleasure, enjoy my muses!


I am,

Tyro