Viva Forever!

I thought he was the man of my dreams. When we eventually broke up, my world was almost torn apart.

We first met when I was sixteen. We had been with each other for eight years. We went through the almost ‘perfect’ phases in a relationship and were preparing our steps towards a beautiful phase we call marriage. We were engaged slightly before I turned twenty.

My life and dreams evolved around him. I had loved him for all I had and all I could. I had seen myself with him settling in our little home with the three children we talked about having. I could have been contented with the average expectations in life. Having enough to fend the household and family needs, perhaps slightly more for some little luxuries in life, after all, at time a family gateway to some other places may be a good idea.

Our relationship fallen apart almost six months to the wedding. I was almost twenty-four. Feeling devastated I felt like being left deliberately to rot on the shelves while some friends who were engaged after us were already married and some already had a child or two. For months I kept looking back and asked what I had not given enough for the relationship. After all, I had been there, through thick and thin. I had seen him through his National Service days. Giving him encouragement and confidence in building up his life and careers that he had been skeptical about. Nursed him through a major road accident despite being hurt myself, at other time rushed him to the hospital emergency wards for that slight brushes with the countless mishaps he had while riding or at his course of work. I had stayed through the nights and days at the Intensive Care Units. I made late night or early morning departures for or from the hospital despite being the scary cat that I was, wheeled him through the hospital wards to ease his tension during treatments. I had taken time away from my family during the festive season to lighten him up at his hospital bed and took time off from work to see him safe through the countless operations and check-ups. When he finally said the word that between us was somehow impossible, I started to feel foolish.

I felt I was stupid enough to have stayed thinking I had some miracles to make him realize that it was me who cared much about his affair and pride. I was a fool because I had known much earlier that he had much bigger priorities in life than just me and I had came with times on decisions he made which put me in spots where I felt like a second-class citizen. I was adamant until one day; I put two together and figured out that I was indeed the defeated player in the game.

The broke up was not easy. I had a long vacation and almost made a decision to stay in New Zealand, sought a new skill and settled there. However, I felt his presence kept knocking the back of my mind and made me flew back home and somehow, we met up, made some unofficial patch up but things did not seem to fall onto the right places. For the final time, I knew I had the white flag in my hands and this time, I will not look back to prepare for yet another uncertain battle.

I am sharing this with a reluctant heart at first because to bring a bitter memory back wasn’t easy. It was not a short time that I had with him and the things that we had been through kept dancing in my eyes. But as I see and listen to my young friends in the campus, I feel that I need to share this. I was once young, uncertain of so much things and inexperience enough to see more that what I can dream about at that moment. Relationships bloom the most when we are young and naïve. Sometimes, we are quick to believe that things are already being perfected and finalized for us and we have met our true soul mates that we are dreaming of. We think that after some years of being together, these are already some kind of binds that seem to promise unions of lives until the eternity. While for some, that hopes do come true but for others, there were never meant to be.

When we first broke up, I was angry and heartbroken. I truly thought he was the one for me and perhaps him; I was the one for him. Somehow, while walking toward the aisle, it became more clear in some big ways and in some small ways, we weren’t right for each other. Recuperating was hard for the many months that follow. I became easily despondent and upset, until one day I know that I had to let go. I stopped focusing on the memory that we had, the anguish that I felt and some deep hopes that he’ll be back. I turned to the dreams that I had but never given myself the chance to pursue when I was with him. In the year that came, I focused on my goals. I had been on my own and lived to pursue dreams and goals for myself for the first time after that seven years. At long last, I completed the management course that I had taken time off from and graduated with the certificate I always dream about having. I embarked onto a new career path and here I am, in training to be a teacher that I always thought will not be my cup of tea at the end of the day.

For my young friends who some how, had fallen out of the expectations that you had in your relationships, we have to believe that those were our destiny to meet that other persons and those were perfect plans to being together for that some time. However, all things in life have their own shortcomings and things sometimes never end up the way they should be. We need to be certain that there will be other loving partners in our lives and that persons are out there and will arrive sometime while we are busy living our dreams here. Cheers!


I am,


Tyro

Hopin' n Wishin'

Had this written on the wedding invite,

‘ Violet for the faithfulness
Which in me shall abide.
Hoping likewise that from your heart
You will not let it slide.
And will continue in the same
As you have now begun,
And then for ever abide,
Then you my heart have won. ’

~ William Hunnis ~


Perhaps, it’s too early. Perhaps, it’s too soon. But sure as the bees to the flowers, the choice made maybe the promise than no one will break.

A heart was trade from the one whose love was deep to the one where all hopes are yet to meet. Sometimes time deceive, but hopefully it’s now here to perceive.

Past hopes had long gone. Memories were the saddest things withdrawn from the heart where love had long for gone.

Maybe, this time God will allows.



I am ,

Tyro